It’s 1986

It’s 1986 I’m in 2nd grade…Mrs. Jones’ class- my favorite teacher of all time. She writes a word on the board: APPLAUSE. “Class? Who can tell me what this word is?” My hand shoots up with a confidence I had never known before or since. She calls on someone else: “Applause” they say. I sink down in my chair, grateful she didn’t call on me. I was CONVINCED that word was “Appaloosa”- those spotted horses. I have not and will not ever raise my hand in class again. Fast forward roughly 35 years. I’m sitting in Primary behind my daughter who is just slightly older than I was then. The teacher asks a question. My daughter raises her hand with the same boldness I had all those years ago. I lean forward and ask (whispering) “What are you going to say?” (Because in my mind, I can’t stand the thought of her being wrong. It would embarrass her. Or would it embarrass me?) She whispers her answer to me. I think she’s right. But there is about 1% doubt in my mind. So I whisper back to her a different answer that I have less doubt about. (The question has multiple correct answers). The teacher calls on her and my daughter gives the answer I just fed her. It is correct. Then another child gives the answer that my daughter thought of all on her own….ALSO correct. She looks over her shoulder, kinda glares at me. Shame comes over me. I have just conveyed my fears over to my daughter. And my nine year old thinks she is smarter than I am. Mostly because she is. She has just showcased a courage that I haven’t had in many years, and I just attempted to diminish it. I have embarrassed myself- in front of myself, all over again. And also once again, I am the only one who knows it. This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night. It’s 4 am and I am sitting here writing it all out. I can’t help but question: how many other ways do I screw up my kids? An infinite amount, I’m sure. Many instances, I am not even aware of. I'm trying not to feel too guilty about my failings. I have done the best that I could do with the knowledge I have obtained. But these instances are eye-opening. They cause me to be aware of things that I need to change. My kids all have their own fears. There is no need for me to multiply their fears by my own. I honestly do not think that it would have bothered Adley in the least to have given the wrong answer (although she was right anyway) but it would have bothered me and it shouldn't. I'm like everyone else: a work in progress and I appreciate opportunities for growth.