Journal Entry from years back.....

February 9th is mine and Greg's 9th wedding anniversary. We were married in 2002. I thought I would share a journal entry from February 9, 1998 which was the first time he told me he loved me:

"I had an awesome day. Greg and I spent the day together after church. We had the most fun! When the time came for him to leave, we stood in the doorway and said a thirty-minute goodbye. Just as he was about to open the door, he whispered, "I love you". My heart skipped a beat. "I love you too." I buried my head in his shoulder as tears came down my cheeks. "What's the matter?...Can't I tell you I love you?" he asked. "Of course. It just feels good to hear. It feels good to hear and to say."
"Love ya, Love ya, Love ya," he repeated. He gave me a quick kiss and I watched as he disappeared into the darkness of this cold night."

It was in that moment that I KNEW that I would someday marry him. I knew that he had meant what he said and I knew that I loved him too.

I have a scrapbook that contains ticket stubs and pictures of our courtship. Looking through it I realize that we did a lot of fun stuff together. What happened? KIDS. I hope to work harder at nurturing my marriage this year.

Some of the things we did together while dating:
Movies: Our first one was "Mouse Hunt", then In and Out, The Rainmaker, Spanish Prisoner, The X Files, Imax Thrill Ride, Dr. Doolittle, US Marshalls, Saving Private Ryan, Pleasantville, The Truman Show, A Bug's Life, Ever After, Antz, Patch Adams, Prince of Egypt, Waking Ned Devine, The Waterboy, You've Got Mail, October Sky, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Big Daddy, Notting Hill, Never Been Kissed, Runaway Bride, Star Wars Episode 1, Sixth Sense, James Bond, Gone in 60 Seconds, Frequency, U571, Return to Me, Cider House Rules, The Kid, What Lies Beneath, X-Men, God's Army, Mission: Impossible, Charlie's Angels, The Grinch, Unbreakable, Family Man, Castaway. All of these we went to see at the theater!

Concerts and Shows:
SMSU Concert Chorale, Boys Choir of Harlem, The Best Little ______House in Texas, Clay Walker with The Dixie Chicks, Alan Keyes, Grease-presented by Glendale High School, Pro Rodeos, Paul Harvey, Jim Stafford, Ricks College Show Choir-Showtime, Mel and Pam Tillis, The Duttons, Diamond Rio, Martina McBride, Charlie Daniels Band, Leann Womack, Little Big Town, Harlem Globetrotters, Guys & Dolls, 4-Wheel Jamboree, Waltzing Waters, Country Music Festival featuring George Strait, Sara Evans, Lone Star, etc. We also Rode The Ducks and the Branson Scenic Railway. We went parasailing twice with Brande. We went to Silver Dollar City, Six Flags and "The Flying Circus" as well.

We went on vacations with family members:

Utah and Arizona with his mom and dad to see Justin off on his mission.
St. Louis for Ben and Brande's Wedding.
Nauvoo Illinois with his mom and dad for the Joseph Smith Pageant and to visit Carthage Jail.
In January of 2001 we went to Florida with Ben and Brande. We stayed with some friends of the Duttons. While in Florida we went to Disney World, Busch Gardens, Gatorland, and the beach (although it was FREEZING and dark at the time).

I'm so glad Greg chose me. (Not that he had anyone else to choose from at the time.) We have had a lot of good years together and will have many, many more. I am so blessed.

Remembering Willa 1975-2011

I think of all the Chapman siblings, Greg and Carl are the closest...maybe I'm wrong, but they seem about as close as any brothers can be. Likewise, Carl's wife and I have probably the strongest relationship of all the sisters-in-law. We live the closest to each other, our kids are closest in age and friendship, and we have a lot in common...for one thing, we both married CRAZY Chapman men.

Willa was one of my best friends. We would just call each other up out of the blue and talk for long periods of time. I would call her when I heard of an event or activity going on in Springfield that was free or inexpensive. We both like saving money. Although, she was much better at it than I am.

There are so many things I want to ask her about, like: Why are her girls SO extremely well behaved, and yet I have never heard her raise her voice to any of them? How did she keep her home so organized and orderly? How did she get her girls to pitch in and help without them being asked (most of the time)? How did she budget her money so well? How did she balance family, work, and church callings? How can she be such a quiet and reserved person and still go up to people she barely knew just to let them know she cared?

She WAS very kind. Her heart always ached during other peoples' trials. Just a few weeks ago when I had my miscarriage, she called Greg while I was waiting to have surgery. She explained that she and her girls would be coming over to our house to clean while we were away. He said he could tell that she was crying as she said it. I called her back and said "YOU CANNOT CLEAN MY HOUSE IT IS A DISASTER!!!!" She replied, "I know! That's why I want to clean it! I know you haven't felt well for several weeks and this is the only thing I can think of to do to help you. I wish I had thought of it sooner. I want to do something for you, so we are on our way." I was deeply touched and brought to tears.

On her worst day, Willa was still better than me on my best. She put me to shame. She always said she didn't have time to facebook or blog or even read e-mails half the time. And I believe her. She was always on the go. She walked on her treadmill, substitute taught school, paid the bills, balanced the checkbook, did the grocery shopping, fulfilled her church callings, helped 4 kids with homework, cooked, cleaned, drove kids to piano, volleyball, church activities, etc.etc. Most importantly she lived the gospel with exactness. I am grateful for her example and her legacy.

Willa loved my kids, and they love her. I cannot help but think that she is just loving all over Eli and Ella. They are very lucky to have her. They may not have their mom, but she is the next best thing. I can still hear her sweet little voice speaking each of my children's names and scooping them up to love on them. When I think about that it makes me sad to think that they will not feel her touch again. I, of course, am even more sad for her own girls who love her dearly.

In the last 5 years, the Chapman family has buried 7 loved ones and only one of them died of old age (Grandma Lewis). For me, Willa's death has hit the hardest and been the most devastating. Of course it was hard losing my babies, but I didn't KNOW them like I knew Willa.

Willa and I would have a garage sale about every summer. A couple of years ago, she found a bed comforter at a garage sale that was just like the one she had at home. This one was in much nicer shape than hers. She paid $5 for it. She put the old one in our garage sale for $15 even though it was faded and worn. Needless to say, it didn't sell. I just remember thinking that was kind of funny....but very much "Willa". That same garage sale, some kids stole some video games from her. She was so angry. She said "If they would have asked, I would have just given them the games, but it makes me so mad that they just walked off with them."

My final moment with her was a sweet one. Greg, Zane and I went to see her in the ICU on Tuesday January 11. As soon as I stepped into view she said "Hi Amber!" Greg walked in with Zane. "Is that Zane?" she asked. "Hi Zane, do you pee on cheerios?" Then she asked which of my boys talked about the "flying squirrel"?
"That was Noah," I replied. She had recently read my blog and was recounting my posts.
Earlier that day, she had stood on her feet, signed her name, and sat up in a chair. Things were really looking up. As we left, I lifted Zane up to kiss her on the cheek. Then Aunt Willa blew kisses and Zane blew some back. She thanked us for coming to see her. I'm so glad we did.
I still cannot believe she is gone. She was so full of love and life. She was a picture of health. How does something like this happen?

Yesterday I told Zane that we were going to Lindsey's house (Willa's oldest daughter). He said "And Sydne's house, and Lydia's house, and Avery's house, and Aunt Willa's house...." Then he stopped and said, "Oh, Aunt Willa didn't get better from the hospital." I just broke down right then and there. For these kids to be so young, and yet so well-acquainted with losing loved ones is very sad. But the joy comes in knowing that we will see her again; that she and her beautiful family will be together forever; and that we can all return to live with our Heavenly Father someday.

Marie and I sang the song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" yesterday at Willa's funeral. I think it would be every bit as fitting to say "If Willa stood beside me". She was a very Christ-like lady and I will live out the rest of my days trying to be more like her.

Noah Balboa is 6!!!!!

At around 9:00 p.m. on January 13, 2005 I began to have some pretty strong labor pains. My due date was January 24th, but I had been anxiously awaiting my little bundle for quite some time. I think the thing that bothered me the most was that we didn't know if we were having a boy or girl. I could not WAIT to find out. I laid in the bed in the spare room doubled over in pain through the contractions that night. I didn't want to bother Greg until I KNEW I was in "true labor". So when they were coming regularly and getting stronger, I finally woke him up at around 4:00 a.m. We called my mom to come stay with Livi who was 2 at the time. We arrived at the hospital at around 4:30 and at 5:17 out popped a little boy...who peed all over Dr. Williams. "It's a BOY!" The nurses exclaimed. 8 pounds 4 ounces, black hair, and precious. I was in love.
Greg and I could not agree on a name prior to his birth...especially since we didn't know if we needed a girl name or a boy name. It wasn't until mid-morning the following day that we decided. Greg's great-grandpa's name was Noah Edward Clark, so we kind of liked the name Noah. I had been pushing for it during my pregnancy (after watching "The Notebook"-but don't tell Greg that). I just felt it was a timeless name....good for a baby, a toddler, a teenager,a dad, and a grandpa. I then came up with the middle name "Elias".
Noah was always a happy baby. He would be content to just sit in his swing for hours if I would let him. Olivia was in love with her new baby brother. He has always amazed me. He truly is the BEST brother in the world. Even if the other kids are giving him a hard time, if I get on to them for it, he will sometimes get mad at me and defend them. I have tried sending the others to their rooms for being mean to Noah and he says "Mom, it's alright. They don't have to go to their room." He would do anything for his big sister and little brother.
Noah is doing very well in Kindergarten. He is really good with numbers. He has had no behavioral issues thus far. He really likes his teacher and has several good friends.
My heart melts for Noah. I can't imagine life without him. It makes me a little upset to know that he is growing up before my eyes, but I guess something would be wrong if he didn't.
Happy Birthday to my Noah....and MANY more!!!!!

And I married him anyway....

Sunday January 9th marks the anniversary of the evening Greg and I met.

I had been a member of the church for three months (and STILL wasn't married...I know! Shocker! Right?) At the time, I was dating a young man from Hollister AND had a crush on two other guys.

I had gone to a dance at church for young single adults ages 18-30. Some people call it a "meat market" or "meet market" depending on how you look at it. Ultimately they want you to meet someone and get married and start a family, becuase that is what life is all about: Families. Greg's cousin Mindy came up to me and said,"That guy over there is my cousin, if he asked you to dance, would you?" I said "sure".

So a shy young "cowboy" came and asked me to dance. We talked a little and that was that. The highlight of my evening was dancing the final dance of the night with (one of) the afore-mentioned crushes. I didn't give much further thought to Greg. I really didn't think he was my type.

The next morning, my phone rang. It was Greg's younger sister Brande. She explained that I had met her older brother at the dance the previous night and said that she and her boyfriend were going on a date and wanted to know if I would care to go with her brother. I was sort of in shock. I could not believe that this guy would have his sister do his dirty work for him. But, I said yes nonetheless. He DID actually call me himself later to get directions to my house. They picked me up that evening and we headed to the Shrine Mosque for what was called "The Tough Man Competition." (I know! It sounds so romantic, doesn't it?)A friend of Greg and Brande's was competing. We were making our way to our seats and we passed the concessions. Greg asked if I would like a beer. I thought, "Oh no, I'm in trouble. This guy must drink." He was 21 afterall, so it was legal, but I couldn't believe that he would ask ME that, since I was just 19 (and we WERE both MORMON). I didn't realize it at the time, but he was just joking. The kid had NEVER done anything like that in his life.

During the Tough Man Competition, Greg barely spoke 2 words to me. I jokingly felt his shoulder to see how soft it was because I was about to lay my head on it and go to sleep. SO, we watched their friend get KNOCKED OUT and then we left.

Next we went to Golden Corral. (This just keeps getting better, doesn't it?) Greg thought I was some kind of freak because I don't eat meat. He didn't say that, but I could tell. We ate, and then they took me home. He walked me to the door, said goodnight and that was that.

A couple of nights later I saw him again at Institute Class. I didn't recognize him because he had shaven his goat-T, was wearing Levi's and tennis shoes (instead of Wranglers and Boots) and was not wearing a ball cap. I decided I kind of liked the looks of him then.

We started dating more. I said goodbye to my guy friend in Hollister, gave up on the other two crushes and Greg and I started dating eachother exclusively. Within a month of dating him I KNEW that I would someday marry him.

That was 13 years ago and I love him now more than ever.

I feel like writing

We had tried to get pregnant since our last miscarriage in February, so when we found out in October that we were expecting, we were beyond thrilled. We wanted to wait to tell anyone because of the previous experience. So we had an ultrasound and finally made the announcement at 9 weeks along. I guess I had a feeling from that first visit that something wasn't quite right. The doctor didn't act like anything was amiss, but my instincts told me that maybe there was. I dismissed those feelings when the doctor told us there was only a 1% chance of miscarriage after the first trimester when we were able to see the baby's heartbeat on ultrasound. I thought that I had just been overly anxious and felt pretty certain that I would be having a baby in June.
On Christmas Eve I started spotting (very lightly). I did some online research and felt confident that everything would be fine. I still thought I should call my doctor on Monday. I waited until late afternoon and was told to come in the next day for an ultrasound. I called back the next morning and told them not to worry about it, I was pretty sure everything was fine. My nurse, Malia, said she would be happy to put me on the doppler machine to check the heartbeat and said I could come in any time on Tuesday. I took Olivia to her doctor that morning, then headed to mine (with all three kids). They were unable to find baby's heartbeat. Again, I didn't worry because the previous visit we were unable to pick it up, and just did an ultrasound to see that baby was fine. So they got out the ultrasound again...still nothing.
They called downstairs to see if I could come to the ultrasound office. They were about to go to lunch and asked me to come back in an hour...and NO KIDS ALLOWED. I had Greg meet me at home to watch the kids and I went back up to the clinic by myself. The ultrasound technician was a very chipper man in his 40's. He just made the statement (very bluntly) "There's baby's heart, but I don't see any activity there!" I thought I must not have heard him correctly, or maybe he wasn't seeing the whole picture. So I asked him to clarify "So the heart is not beating?" "NOPE!" he exclaimed in a tone that seemed completely void of any feeling or tact. Then he went on to explain that baby had some fluid under the skin and that while baby was supposed to measure 16 weeks, they were coming up with around 13.5 weeks. I had just been to the doctor at 14 weeks and saw the heartbeat. I kind of went numb. I wasn't sure what to do. I was there all alone in a room with a man who clearly DID NOT CARE. He excused himself to call my doctor for further instruction. I went out in the hall to call my husband to tell him that our baby was no longer alive. Then I called my mom to see if she could leave work to stay with the kids so Greg could come and be with me.
Greg arrived and we went upstairs to talk to Doctor Williams about our options. With Eli, I had labor induced and 22 hours later gave birth. But that was at 20 weeks. At 16 weeks Doctor said that my body would not respond well to labor induction and I might be in the hospital for up to a week waiting. He said we could wait it out and have it at home, but that sounded too traumatic. We took some time and decided to go with the third option which was a D&E (Dilation and Evacuation), similar to a D&C, only they use more intricate surgical tools since I was in the second trimester.

We went home to break the news to the kids. Olivia was the most upset. Noah had a different way of showing his grief, and Zane was sort of immune. I explained to the kids that the baby's body was still in mommy's tummy, but the spirit wasn't and so the baby was no longer living, but because of the gospel of Jesus Christ, we will see the baby someday. The baby will never hurt or even be sad. We went to Silver Dollar City that evening as a family with my mom and dad. That kept our mind off of what we would have to do the following morning. It was so nice to spend time with the kids and watch them enjoy themselves even though they were sad.

We wondered what we would do with the remains. The cemetery gave us permission to bury the baby in the same plot as our Eli. Greg was concerned about what we would use for a casket. My mom showed up the following morning (to baby-sit while I had my surgery), and she brought along a small wooden box with a lock and said we could use the box for baby. The top of the box had this scripture: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven". from Ecclesiastes Chapter 3. I decided to read further in that Chapter. It is very fitting:

2 "A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;"...

6 "A time to aget, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;"

We asked a friend to come over before we left for the hospital to assist Greg in administering a Priesthood blessing. Then we headed to St. John's. Not long after we arrived an older lady came to us. She was a chaplain for the hospital-Sister Diane. She was very sweet...our guardian angel even. She helped us make the arrangements to come and pick up the body for burial and checked on my multiple time throughout the morning. The surgery went fine and I was able to go home within a couple of hours.

Greg, his mom, and I all felt very strongly that the baby was a girl. That evening I was laying next to Zane and he just said "Mommy, there is not a baby in your tummy anymore. It was a girl." I decided that he was closer to heaven than any of us, and if anybody knew, it would be him. We also felt it would be better to give the baby a name instead of just "the baby that we lost" and it would be easier to name it, if we knew if it was a girl or boy. Greg left that part up to me, and I decided to name her Ella.

The next morning we got dressed and ran some errands, then went to the hospital. I thought it might be nice for the kids to meet the chaplain who had helped us out so much. She very much enjoyed meeting our wonderful kiddos. We left the 'casket' with her and went to the cafeteria for lunch. She took care of the placing of baby Ella. The kids really wanted to see, but we explained to them that even mommy and daddy had not seen the baby and that it would be best if we just imagined in our minds and in our hearts what she looked like. And, maybe we could even dream of her.

From the hospital we drove to Dadeville Masonic Cemetery. Greg dug a hole (the kids helped). We said goodbye and the kids placed the box in the grave.

I try not to think about what might have been, and just realize that what happened was what was supposed to be. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and I tend to agree. I tell my kids that it is our duty to do all we can in this life to make sure we are worthy to be with our babies again. What an incentive we have! Through it all, I feel my family growing closer and stronger. We are so blessed.

I love my Savior. He comforts me. Throughout this whole experience (and the one of losing Eli), this song just keeps running through my mind...
"The Lord is my light, then why should I fear? By day and by night, his presence is near. He is my salvation from sorrow and sin, this blessed assurance the spirit doth bring.
The Lord is my light, he is my joy and my song. By day and by night, he leads me along."

Thank you all for your prayers. I love you all and have felt your love and concern. Today, I was sorta cleaning and I came across my second ultrasound picture. It literally looks like baby Ella is smiling at me. At first I teared up, then I realized that she wouldn't want me to be sad. I'm so grateful that I have this little keepsake, something I will treasure all my days.