"My Butt is Buzzing"

Does anybody else have children that say embarrassing things when you have company over?

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner. We were just finishing up our biscuits and gravy when Noah announced "Uh Oh, My Butt is Buzzing." "What?" I asked.
"My butt is buzzing...I think there might be a tick crawling around up in there." BOY was I sorry I had asked him to repeat himself. The missionaries got a good laugh out of it, though. A little while later Olivia started talking about diarrhea...still at the dinner table. WHAT THE WORLD?!?!? Didn't these children's parents teach them not to talk like that, especially at the table, especially when they have guests? I guess not. I never do know what is going to come out of their mouths.

A little later in the evening, Zane and Noah were playing together. Noah asked Zane if he would like some of his silly bands. Zane said yes. Noah got them down and let him pick out 2. Zane wanted more. Noah said, "Tomorrow, if you play nice with me and do what I tell you to, you can have two more, okay?" "O-Tay" Zane said.

YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL

Olivia's birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and for her birthday she would like legos, silly bands and silly rings, and a pocket watch. I said "Do you even know what a pocket watch is?"..."Yeah, it's a watch on a chain and you can use it to hypnotize people."...."Are you wanting it so you can hypnotize people?"...."Well, does it work? Can I hypnotize people with it?"....."No"...."Oh, well maybe I don't want one then."

A boy at school put his arm around her in music class and the rest of the kids were laughing at them. She was so embarrassed. She asked the teacher to be moved. She came out of school that day with a disgusted look on her face and said that she needed to talk to me in private. Then she told me the whole story. The next day she was with my mom and she said "Grandma...I have a confession to make." My mom says "Yeah?" Olivia asks, "Wait, what's a confession?" So my mom explained it to her, then Olivia proceded to tell the story of the boy putting his arm around her shoulder.

I just thought those were funny stories worthy of sharing.

I DO NOT pee on Cheerios

Zane is STILL not potty trained. He has absolutely NO desire to pee or poop anywhere but in a diaper or in the floor. I am trying not to put too much pressure on him, because I know that it can backfire if I do. The other night I thought I would try something new. I placed a Cheerio in the toilet and had Noah pee on it while Zane watched. Then we placed a cherrio in Zane's potty and told him to do the same. He stood there "pointing" his "turtle" at the potty. Zane proclaims "IT NOT WORKING!" Olivia and Noah were both cheering him on. Olivia went and got a big glass of water to "help things along". Zane sat down on the potty and drank his glass of water. A tiny drop of pee came out and that was it. I left the room, and soon Zane came to me stating "I Don't PEE on Cheerios!"

Then what did he do? He went to the back door of the house and PEED in the floor. What a terd.

Okay, this next story I was NOT going to post on here (and Greg might kill me for doing it anyway), but it is just so darn funny and I feel like you people could use a good laugh today, so here it goes:
Noah was getting ready to get in the shower and was therefore naked...Now, I won't mention which part of the body he did this to (you can probably guess), but he pulled the skin out on both sides and exclaimed "FLYING SQUIRREL!" I just about died of laughter. I told Greg about it and he tried to say that Noah gets that behavior from me, but I think we all know where it comes from.

Somebody call D.F.S.

I ask you one question...HOW CAN ANYBODY GET MAD AT THIS CHILD?!?!?

Turns out...Very Easily.

Yesterday Greg brought home a truckload of items from the lab. They were cleaning the place out and trashed a bunch of stuff. They let the employees go through it and take what they wanted. Greg was able to grab a significant amount of porcelain and metal that he plans to sell. We estimate the value of these items to be at least $3000.00. Greg began unloading the items and Zane was there to "help" him out. And then Greg closed the garage door and left Zane in there (with the porcelain and metal).

A little time passes and I ask "Where's Zane?" Greg's reply "I don't know." A little more time passes and we hear him in the garage. Greg gets up, walks to the garage, and then his head exploded...literally. I had to pick up all the pieces of his bald head and patch them back together and then I saw what Zane had done. The porcelain comes in little screw-top bottles and Zane was joyfully un-screwing the tops and dumping them in the garage floor. Now, Greg did not lay hands on that child, but he might as well have. Zane was so upset to have his daddy get on to him. I got him calmed down and Greg kind of got himself calmed down and we started eating dinner. Zane was sitting on my lap and he grabbed my head and whispered in my ear "daddy mean." Greg heard him and kind of played along "I'M WHAT?" he said. "You mean!" Zane confirmed. Me and the kids then went to the soccer games. Upon our arrival there, Zane's first words to grandma Smith were "Daddy Mean." I told her what he had done. Greg arrived a little later and Zane said to him "I Dump Your Ebay." "Yeah you did!" Greg said. We figure he had dumped out about $200.00 worth of porcelain powder.

This morning Zane went in the garage while I was outside. I said "You're not going to dump daddy's ebay are you?"..."NO", he quickly answered. "What happens if you do?" I asked. "Daddy HURT me," he replied. He started to get into Greg's things again so I got on to him. He kept getting into them so I said "Do I need to call Daddy?" He immediately put everything back where he found it.

It's about time the kids think somebody around here besides mommy is mean. I think it just always hits harder when daddy gets mad at us....mommy does it all the time.

Oh, and as we were leaving the soccer games, Greg 'accidentally' kicked our soccer ball at Zane's head. We're still not sure if it was just bad aim or revenge. I think you both are even now.

If you take 'offense' all your cows get out....

A friend of mine Jeanne has been known to say "If you take offense, all your cows get out." I love this saying. Get it? If you take a fence all your cows get out? What does this mean? If you choose to get offended, all heck breaks loose. You begin to boil. You begin thinking of nasty names for the person who offended you. You tell everyone you know, so they can agree with you for getting offended and then you feel justified for it. You want to avoid that person. You no longer see ANY redeeming qualities in that person. You want that person to suffer...but really, you're the one doing all the suffering.

The other night, my folks had some family come in to town. Some of you reading may know who this person is, but I will not mention any names. He walked in, he asked how I was doing, I said "Good, and you?"....His reply, "Oh, good, just fatter...and I see YOU are too!" NOW, how many of you reading would not get offended if somebody said that to you? I literally felt like somebody had kicked my teeth in. YES I am overweight. YES I need to lose some weight. YES I eat more than I should. YES I move less than I should. I am fully aware of these things. But I am NOT grossly obese (not that it would be okay then). There is such thing as "TACT"...let's look in to it feller.

So, now, all my cows have got the best of me (and according to him, I AM A COW). They are escaping from the left and from the right. They are running (I know, cows don't usually run, but mine are) to and fro and I don't know if I will ever be able to herd them again. Will they ever be fully contained within my fence? Can I round them back up, let it go and move on with my life?

My answer: PRAYER. It is really difficult to hate someone when you pray for them...and so that is what I have begun to do. Who knows, maybe in time I will look back on this and just moo....I mean LAUGH.